Well, the first thing I learned is that the official name for my lifestyle is “quarantine.” That’s right. Stay home, don’t go out. I’ve been quarantining for years and never knew it. Maybe that’s why I’m so healthy. Or not.
No hugs. No bugs.
They used to call it being anti-social. Now it’s called social distancing. I’m not an introvert. I’m socially distant. No hugs, no bugs. Six feet back, not six feet under. I figure, better cabin fever than the fever cabin, ICU. Tulsa’s new park, the Gathering Place, is now the Distancing Place. March Madness? Try March Sadness. And the NBA became the National Bannedball Association. Church is closed but I learned that the Tenth Commandment really reads, “Thou shalt not covid thy neighbor.” And students? If you go through virtual graduation, does that mean you virtually, not actually, graduated? Time will tell.
Another lesson I learned was that there’s such a thing as being too stocked up. Let’s face it. Toilet paper hoarders are shitty people. Just saying. I also learned that a martini in quarantine is a quarantini. I’d add a Corona chaser. My motto: Don’t whine, drink wine.
And essential work? Who’s to say? I’m a lawyer. I still go to work. A law office is essential. If you bitch about it, we’ll sue. My son is a heat and air technician. He’s essential because, hey, who’s going to stay home without air conditioning? And who says barbers aren’t essential? We’re all going to look like Bigfoot before long.
Social distancing or your life!
The problem with masks is that you can’t see what a person looks like. That’s why robbers wear them. It must be easy to hold up a store now. No one would notice you’re wearing a mask. What kills me is people wearing bandanas as masks, like bandits. “Hands up! Social distancing or your life!”
People are getting creative. You can use a coffee filter as a coughie filter. One lady designed a mask with a clear plastic window over the mouth so deaf people can read their lips. A woman on television said she was only going to put makeup on the upper part of her face and wear a mask. Say, if you’re not supposed to touch your face, you can’t put on makeup anywhere then. Perhaps someone should come up with a mask that reproduces a photo of a person’s lower face. Then you could see who you’re talking to.
A musical approach.
I’ve decided to take a musical approach to social distancing. We have to go our “Separate Ways.” If you see someone on the street, just “Walk On By.” If a person comes up to you, “Walk Away, Renee.” If a stranger tries to “Stand By Me,” I say “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.” If they get close enough to “Lean on Me,” I tell them “Beat It.”
If a cute girl says, “I Want to Hold Your Hand,” I say “U Can’t Touch This.” After all, we “Don’t Get Around Much Anymore.” This quarantine business could last “A Long, Long Time,” but that’s “How to Save a Life.” It’s about “Stayin’ Alive.” Just remember, “Someday We’ll Be Together.”
If you want to “Party in the USA,” you’ve “Got to Give it Up.” I’ve got to stay in “The House that Built Me.” I live on “Lonely Street.” That’s why “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.” “Only the Lonely — Know the Way I Feel Tonight.” I just say “Hello, Walls.” Maybe you have to stay with the “Old Folks at Home.”
If you’re stuck with a quaranteen, you may go “Crazy.” But if you’re lucky and have a significant other, remember, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” Your house can be a regular “Love Shack.” Along about Christmas, you’ll be saying “Sweet Child O’ Mine.” Which reminds me. We can expect a huge crop of Covid kids. The new Baby Boomers, or is it Baby Zoomers?
This essay was published in an anthology entitled From Behind The Mask by the Tulsa NightWriters Club, 2020.
Sid Martin is a member of our Care Team, a beloved member of our church, and frequent contributor to BeyondBelief.online.
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